Solitude

I know there's a quote out there, and I'm pretty sure it's one of Albert Einstein's that more elegantly speaks of the solitude so hated in youth being wonderful when you're older. I really need to find it again, because I'd love to do it in calligraphy for "my" room when I get it finished. (The old school room is being transformed, but very, very slowly.)

I have had the house to myself essentially since about 8:30 last night when R went to bed and DS#1 left for a friend's house. DS#2 had already left around 2:30, which also gave me an hour of peace and quiet yesterday afternoon.

What usually happens with these "free" days didn't happen with this one, I'm pleased to report. Usually I get a whole lot of nothing done, which shouldn't be disappointing--sometimes I think we need "nothing" on our agendas--but I generally think I'll write like a madwoman. Be totally immersed and churn out amazing stuff. Then I get sidetracked by heaven knows what. It's just there is so much I look forward to doing when I have a quiet house, that it takes so long to decide what comes first which takes up way too much of the quiet time in and of itself. I'm not making any sense.

Well this time it was a gift to finish taxes. I'm a lot closer. I'm planning on getting more closer before DS#2 arrives here in a few minutes. It was time for a break though, to check mail and connect with the world "out there." I feel like I've been cut off from everything and everyone. I didn't know it, but R took the phone off the hook last night when he went to bed, so that didn't ring (though I was a bit perturbed when I found out about it at 1:30 this afternoon with the kids out and everything. I hate to be unreachable.) Didn't turn on the TV or radio for quite some time. Eventually I put some favorite CDs on to help me gauge how long I'd worked by when the silence settled in. Then I made myself get up and move just to keep the blood circulating. I feel pretty good about what's done.

I was trying to remember the last time I had this many hours all on my own. I can't, which more or less tells me it's been too long.

Thing is, I don't really remember detesting solitude as a young person, but then again, I was dying to get married. Is that just a natural inclination or something that's "implanted" by the fact that everyone else does it. I had a lot of it as a single person living on my own, but I know I didn't treasure it like I do now. I don't remember detesting it, but I must not have liked it very much or why would I have changed it?

I was a lone wolf even when I was younger. My room was an easy place, away from strangeness (of being a "smart" Yankee in the Mid-South) or stress (usual family fare). I was perfectly content to spend an afternoon in my bedroom reading, writing, studying and emerging ocassionally to eat something. My sisters had a more active social circle, I think. I generally had my fill of people at school, and didn't mind coming home where it was quiet.

I often wonder how long it would take my sons to adapt to the life I lived from the time I was 10 till about 18. We were a 30-minute out in the country Dear old dad did not believe in "unnecessary" trips to town, and definitely was not your spur-of-the-moment type person. Everything had to be planned ahead: "decently and by arrangement." I see the wisdom of it now, and simply complied even though it drove me crazy a few times when I was a teen. What else was I going to do? Walk to town? Not likely. And it wasn't like I had any friends around going in that direction who would swing by and pick me up, either.

Add into that equation 7 years of no television (let alone DVD players, computers and hand-held electronics). It didn't kill us, and probably did us some good to be honest. We had an egg timer by the phone, too. Ten minutes was the limit on a phone call. Had to be mindful that we were on a party line. Oh, my goodness. I'm old. It hits me so frequently these days. Like when I don't know who the new actors and actresses are that everyone is oohing and ahhhing over. And hearing myself echo my mom's, "Gosh, he's aging!" in relation to the favorites of my "era." I have an era. Goodness.

Taxes are better than this line of thought. :) I'd best get back to the grind....

We're back to what looks like spring with a decided nip in the air. The kinds that makes you think you better put off buying bedding plants till after April 1. But it is oh, so hard to walk into Wal-Mart right now and not be sucked in by the Garden Center. (And I don't even like their "average" selection!) The color is nice to see.

And the birds are here in full force now. I started noticing flocks of robins in late February, and thought of my brother Scott, who was telling me when he was here last year that there was some concern about the robin population in general. Well, I certainly don't see cause for alarm in this neck of the woods--or should I say, lack of woods--this particular spring. They are everywhere. As are the cardinals and jays, doves, and a woodpecker who just vibrates the entire neighborhood. I know it is winter time when there is silence, and I know it's over when I wake to the songs of the birds and later on I'll know it's the heat of summer when the cicada whirl is deafening.

And of course with that word, my thoughts turn to my dear friends who don't experience this part of the spring and summer ritual, and while I look forward to the day when they do hear and will enjoy it all, I sometimes wonder how much more they see. As in "notice." Or feel. Or smell. I've heard it said that the other senses become heightened when one is lost, so it makes me wonder how differently we experience the spring, and the rest of the seasons as they change.

Then there are those who are so hurt, so damaged by the wrong and bitter about past injustices that they live there and continue to feed their hurt and their anger and they miss the rest of what is good and wonderful about the simple change of the seasons and the general goodness of life. The older I get the more I learn about how attitude shapes our existance, and I find myself pitying the short-tempered and the intolerant, and the militant minds that can only look at what needs to be changed--now and with force!--instead of how far things have come and that there is better progress where there is an atmosphere of peace. It is so easy to find the bad in situations and particularly in people. It takes a maturity to overlook what is obvious and search out what is good and true and lovable behind that shell of imperfection.

Of course there are those who would lump me in with the intolerant, simply because I can't lay aside what is right to fit today's moral opinion, but the fact of the matter is that I do my imperfect best to treat everyone with simple human kindess and dignity. Even if a person has chosen an immoral course, I have not been appointed to hand down sentences, especially among those who don't know or don't understand. I have been given a privilege to convey information, to give people the opportunity to learn, and in the end their lack of interest or obedience will be between them and someone who can judge hearts, not just appearances. There is right and wrong and that wrong will not forever be tolerated on this earth. But when it is done away with, I have absolute faith that no one will be able to truthfully say they never had the opportunity to learn what was bad and what was good and then make a choice to accept those standards or not. The opportunity is available now.

And so I ramble in spring, where thoughts grow and bloom in directions that surprise. It is good to think, and grow.

Morning Pages

I woke up this morning thinking about writing. This is as good a sign as pear trees in bloom. Part of me that has been sadly dormant is beginning to be resurrected.

Those white trees are a bright spot in the day today. The clouds are heavy and gray and getting darker by the minute. The heater has been running, and I woke up with the dry mouth that meant it had been running quite a bit through the night--and also that we need to get a humidifier for our side of the house. We're supposed to have "more seasonal" temperatures for the week. Of course. It's spring break!

With the rain comes the prospect of not being able to toss my youngest outside with his friend who spent last night. His friend has the tendency to giggle. And insist on his way. Which doesn't seem to bother A at all, and I think it makes them good for each other. Because A doesn't instantly fold like a house of cards. L--who according to the folks who want to push public school as a socialization tool should have this down--is learning from him how to negotiate and compromise. In turn A is learning things from him as well. Don't we all have our strengths and weaknesses? My husband left giving me his sympathy for the day, but I really don't mind it. They're both good kids and they're learning. Learning isn't always pretty. But good friends that you can talk to about Duel Masters and Madden football and watching the Incredibles are just perfect for a rainy day at home.

I got a good start on my taxes yesterday. Okay, a start then--my taskmaster in my head is mocking me. Maybe it's why I have words on the brain today. They're so much more user-friendly for me. I can't get my dh to understand that it's not that I don't know how to do math. I took two years of algebra--that I've never used--and aced both classes. It's just that it doesn't come as naturally as the words do. I have to work at it a little more and the numbers like to play games with my head. I end up dreaming about them. And dreaming about getting in trouble because of them. :) But we're started and today I will plug away some more while the kids are giggling and negotiating. But first I have to figure out breakfast. And get laundry going. Ah, there's the day--calling me to quit playing and get busy. But I'm ready now that I've had some time to work with my word buddies today.... :)

Happy day, happy writing everyone!

Spring!

I know winter is still out there to bite at our heels every now and then, but I see spring everywhere. I just hope winter isn't mean enough to kill everything that's budding, but then again, we live in Oklahoma. I should be used to that by now.

There is color everywhere. The jonquils are particularly lively this year and then that bush that has the reddish-rose blossoms seems to be popping out everywhere. And the tulip trees, my goodness. They are just loaded with flowers. Redbuds are popping and I just noticed that today, the Bradford pear trees aren't that dingy, dismal white that they have been for the past few days. They look like popcorn trees. The pansies are waving in the wind--there's been lots of that--and I've caught sight of some pink hyacinths and even an early yellow tulip. No matter what the species--plant or animal--you have those few who have to rush things. :) Their eagerness is contagious though.

It's been a hard winter. I've heard of more and more people who had serious problems with depression this winter. And not just in our area. In fact my dh talked with a dear friend of ours yesterday who is in Connecticut, and he's still reeling from the late blanket of snow and the dismal skies.

I'm already thinking about what I'll do with the containers on the porch, and where my dh might put up with me planting some garlic. We use so much of it and it's easy to grow, why not do it ourselves? I have been making some awesome salsa this winter--thank you Rick Bayless and Salsas That Cook--and am contemplating using the large pot by the back door for some Roma tomatoes, smaller pots for jalepenos, serranos and parsley. Then all that's left to get are the onions. Yum.

I'm working on taxes. Spent all day yesterday just looking for a file. Grrr!! Then this morning the updates have taken forever to download. Up/Down. Should have known taxes would be taxing. This is spring break and dh#2 has already wiped out on his bike trying to pop a wheelie. It may be a long week. It's supposed to start raining tonight and be in the 40s tomorrow. Which you have to understand is a great change. We had our first picnic of the season on Sunday afternoon; it was 85 degrees on Sunday. Back "down" to 60+ yesterday, and today's been okay, just not so bright. The clouds are moving in. But we're supposed to be back in the 50s and 60s by the weekend, and we need the moisture. As long as there are card games and Game Cubes, computer programs and videos to keep the kids busy through the rain, I'm sure things will be okay.

Ds#1 finally has wheels again!! It's a 1985(?) Saab. Old but cute, with good AC, a radio and a moon roof. He's happy. So am I!!! No more trips to OSU-OKC twice daily, Mon - Thurs. Mid-terms went well for him. He just can't find his history textbook. I shake my head every time I think about it. I never lost a textbook in my life. But then, they don't use it in class. The tests come mainly from the lectures.... I lived out of my car when I was his age. My textbooks were either there or at the foot of my bed, which was where I did most of my studying.

Happy spring everyone. I hope this is the beginning of getting back to writing. I'm itching to look for markets for all the fiction--short stories, novels, you name it. It's time to set more goals and get things rolling again. I've been doing great things with my house. I have about 5 trash bags full of stuff, from books to shoes, to donate to Habitat on Friday and have thrown out twice that many bags of papers that I've decided I won't die if I don't have them. :) I am boxing up books and inviting friends over to take what they want.

That reminds me. I have some phone calls to make. Later!